Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
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Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Awesome parenting 😂
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?