@brandonIee: If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
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@bigmacher: I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was 'damn you 2016!' but then i realized it was just his birthday.
@ComedyAndTruth: Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
@MisterBombay: Before Twitter, I'd ignore dumb thoughts in my head like "How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?" Now, I tweet them