If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
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this was the best i’ve ever seen
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard: