@JennyJohnsonHi5: If I got arrested I'd ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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@bridger_w: If someone acts shocked that you haven't read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, "Yeah, I heard it sucks"
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What do you want to be when you grow up? 3-year-old: A monster truck. I don't think insurance is going to cover that surgery.
@xysist: Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam's ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
@steveolivas: I'm gaining weight because it's hard to carry around this much "awesome" in a standard-sized body.