If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
drew a comic about my origin story
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.