@JennyJohnsonHi5: If I got arrested I'd ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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@JasonLastname: Doesn't count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights! "Your what?" You know, my... [mumbles] banana rights.
@JesKeepSwimming: "So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT." - What not to say on a first date.
@JKickinit30: [hiding in the bushes] Me:*whispering*they can't see me Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.