If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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This is what makes twitter great
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.