@JennyJohnsonHi5: If I got arrested I'd ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@murrman5: [overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he's always overreacting and making a mess *spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
@realHamOnWry: My nephew asked, "What's the secret to a long life?" I said, "Never order vegetarian in Texas"
@BiIIMurray: I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.