@JennyJohnsonHi5: If I got arrested I'd ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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@pleatedjeans: [standing in driveway with wife] I thought we agreed on a Prius [giant eagle pecks at saddle] NO THIS IS BETTER
@RickAaron: "I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
@AwkwardComedy: "Password is incorrect" *resets password* "New password cannot be the same as the old password"