If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best