@JennyJohnsonHi5: If I got arrested I'd ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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@longwall26: "My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor." -- inventor of the frisbee
@CanadianCyn: Today is my 18th wedding anniversary. If my husband doesn't give me a divorce as a gift I'm telling his girlfriend.
@tastefactory: BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn't have a hidden ponytail
@internetluke: A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it's a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.