If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.