If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
You Might Also Like
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
*looks at you in batman voice*
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.