I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
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I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I’m about to risk it all
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
An odd boast
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air