If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
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I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”