If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
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Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.