Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
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Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
i wish all
whales
a very
big
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.