Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
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What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Butt weight. There’s more!
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.