If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
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landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Very good! 👍😂
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms