If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
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I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
I’m giving up for Lent.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
My life coach traded me.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
The news is so predictable nowadays
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.