Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
You Might Also Like
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Cardio Made Easy
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I’m calling the cops.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!