I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
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Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.