If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
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If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha