If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
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if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
smh
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!