cushion on the right slightly discoloured
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For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!