If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
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My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs