@RamblingMachine: If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.
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@HehBuddy: I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
@mollymcnearney: Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
@dave_cactus: HER: Are you free Friday night? ME: Let me check my colander. HER: Your... ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I'll be making spaghetti.
@kentgrossarth: Boss: Is that beer? You're not supposed to drink at work! Me: You're not supposed to cheat on your wife. Boss: You're doing a great job.