COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
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embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Auto correct is my worst enema.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?