Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
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Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle