Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
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Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
So creative 😂
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.