If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
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My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.