Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
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Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
This made me smile…
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall