I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
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Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”