Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
You Might Also Like
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
😅😅😅
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.