2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
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Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late