If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
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*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Extremely relatable.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.