If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
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[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
your honor my client chooses dare
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.