If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
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FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Legend 🤣🤣
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
this article brought to you by lions
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”