If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
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Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!