@Token_Geezer: If I had a parrot I'd teach it to say "I know where they buried the bodies"
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@Black__Elvis: If I were a woman I’d probably use tampons because it seems like it would be hard to stuff a maxi pad all the way up there.
@Playing_Dad: [Walking around park with kid] Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green? Me: Because God wants to remind me I have no money everywhere
@blade_funner: Officer: I'll need to see a photo ID. Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight.
@darth__mouth: hey teens ! if you think you're angry now, just wait until you have to spend your own money on toilet paper.