If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
You Might Also Like
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Every BBC series about the universe.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
bugs when you lift up a rock
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant