If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
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So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.