I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
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My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.馃檭
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
#dalle2
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you鈥檙e not really asleep
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
[christmas eve]
SON: i鈥檓 gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he鈥檚 wily too. like a jackal