@Playing_Dad: If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
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@bdbdleeroybrown: My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
@TheToddWilliams: [desert island diary - day 1] 4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait. 5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
@Bexdora: My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes. I tell her it's not London she has to worry about. I just injured myself on a potato.
@QwertyJones3: [dog park] Go get it, boy! *dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace* Ugh, you're the worst golden retriever ever