@Playing_Dad: If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
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@WheelTod: A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
@SouthrnPinUpMom: Moms get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
@dafloydsta: [date] HER: So do you like Star Wars? ME: Oh yeah HER: Who's your favorite character? ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
@ChickenColeman: Atheists swear they not going to hell just cuz they don't believe in it. nigga I don't believe in having a job but I still go to work