If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
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[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.