@Playing_Dad: If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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@KrazykurtKurt: When #EgyptAir announced "he's not a terrorist, just an idiot" My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
@mantej: Mother's may get a day, but shark's get a whole week! Mom sharks get 1 week AND a day. ...don't even get me started on black shark moms.
@Mikecanrant: *puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine* There you go little guy. Now you're bouncy.
@djangogold: if you can't handle me at my worst, you're probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night