If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]