If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
What an awful time to have common sense.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car