@Fred_Delicious: If I had a time machine I'd alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
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@miilkkk: If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I'm having sex. Probably with the other sock.
@_NTFG_: In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories. I can't wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
@mortimermaiden: Me: Wanna take this upstairs? Her: Mhm, but you should know it's my first time Me: Don't worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
@KattWillliams: Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can't afford to eat for a month.