If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
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No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.