If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
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Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
*seductively corrects your posture*
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.