@ElgatoEsmio: If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!"
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@JWilsonGA: No, PSA, buzzed driving isn't drunk driving. Buzzed driving gets me home 51 weekends a year, drunk driving gets me home w/a fat chick.
@OutOfLeftField_: Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex? Me: No, it's always George Clooney.
@squirrel74wkgn: [on a first date] Her: I don’t like guns Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*