@ElgatoEsmio: If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!"
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@tastefactory: My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we're in this big fight.
@EndhooS: Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad Me: I know GF: What'd you get? Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
@TheKenyan_: I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
@MichaelTrying: Darwin is a genius. Just realized I'm attracted to women in glasses because I'm more likely to reproduce with a woman who can't see me well.