If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
some things should go without saying
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.