@kumailn: If I had a time machine I'd go back 10 years and tell myself "Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to."
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@MatCro: [Couples therapy] WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces "food" like "feud". THERAPIST: And you, sir? ME: She's always in a bad mude.
@TouchBaseWithMe: The only time I’ve passionately thrown everything off of a table was when I was trying to make room for pizza.
@JimmySelfDest: Mother in law found me... On the twitter This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours. I'm so sorry