My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
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Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.