If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
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coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Wait a minute
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!