@sween: If I had a time machine, I'd go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene] director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11
@huntigula: Your resume just says "falconer" "And?" Well, this is a bank *falcon starts break-dancing* "Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job"
@LindaInDisguise: Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter. Him: Don't be discouraged. You'll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
@KeetPotato: [firemen meeting] if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker *from back* "why dont we just sit downstairs?"