@sween: If I had a time machine, I'd go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@heytherecore: Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: "Probably not bees," says one scientist. "Dear god what if it's bees?"
@MichaelTrying: My calendar says there's a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you'd think people would be more excited.
@JaySaysStuff: Hot single dads in your area AREN'T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.