@sween: If I had a time machine, I'd go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@batkaren: How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "I'm sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over." Me: "You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over."
@YoungNobler: New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
@jjhartinger: *i before e except after c. Unless you're an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.