If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
You Might Also Like
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.