If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
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Mmmm. Shoeshi
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans