If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
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*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Sheep
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*