If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
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I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Finally, an explanation.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.