@WittySassBasket: If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
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@ShortSleeveSuit: [first day on the job at a mattress store] Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now. Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
@ShaneKnowsStuff: Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don't know what I'm gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It's a mystery
@BadaBinge: Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I'm never gonna get chicks being a "homeless romantic".
@Tmoney68: "Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!" - Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.