If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
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[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
The biggest mystery of our time
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.