@WittySassBasket: If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
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@Robert_Beau: I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won't be majoring in history.
@DaHess1: Shout out to bicyclists that yell "on your left" as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.
@lildandeli0n: I'm pretty sure Kanye West is the reason why we arent allowed to retweet our own tweets.