If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
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Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.