If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
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50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer