me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
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Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.